Boundaries is one of those therapy related words we hear all the time. We know it’s important. We know boundaries help us maintain balance and healthy relationships. But how do we actually set them? How do we explain our boundaries? Enforce them? How to we handle the backlash and drama that could come with them? What about when life changes??
So that is a lot of questions and they are only 1/3 of the ones that ran through my mind when I first realized that boundaries are how I am going to get past my people pleasing tendencies. Therefore I get the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing!
And chances are this is a pretty emotionally charged situation for you so remember to take a deep breath and know that you are protecting your peace and that is always good for your soul. But let’s stop there because protecting our peace is something I can go on and on about and today we are focusing on boundaries. So let’s get into it now and start chatting about how to start setting boundaries in your life!
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How To Start Setting Boundaries In Your Life
Steps for setting boundaries so you can protect yourself:
Step 1: Understanding What Boundaries Are (And Aren’t)
First things first my friends: boundaries are not you being selfish, rude, or a party pooper. Okay? and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise… though chances are someone will.
They’re the invisible lines we draw to protect our precious (and let’s be honest, usually limited) energy and keep our sanity intact. Imagine them as those little velvet ropes at clubs that tell people where they can and cannot grind. Necessary? Absolutely. Fun? Not really but healthy boundaries isn’t going to be the most fun but they are essential for protecting your mental health from outside sources.
Also, there are two types of boundaries:
Personal boundaries- these are boundaries that are action and word focused such as:
- Emotional boundaries: These involve separating your emotions from someone else’s. It helps you not take on the emotional burden of others or let their mood affect you excessively.
- Intellectual boundaries: These refer to thoughts and ideas and involve respecting others’ viewpoints and expecting the same in return.
- Time boundaries: These are about how you manage your time, ensuring that you have time for various aspects of your life without allowing others to overstep and demand too much of your attention or time.
- Material boundaries: These determine whether and how you share your possessions with others, such as lending money or personal items.
Physical boundaries- these are related to your personal space, privacy, and body. Some examples are:
- Touch: Deciding who can touch you and in what way, which is crucial for comfort and safety.
- Personal space: Keeping a comfortable distance in social settings.
- Privacy: Respecting your need for private time or the physical boundaries of your living space, like your bedroom.
Knowing these types of boundaries is going to be helpful next-
Step 2: Identifying Your Limits
Alright guys let’s start getting into the actual process of setting boundaries.
So let’s do a little exercise: grab a notebook you have lying around or open your notes app and start jotting down things that make you feel uncomfortable, stressed, or like they are draining you. You are searching for clarity about the feelings that are hurting you and negatively effecting your emotional well-being.
These can range from Aunt So-and-so asking why you’re still single at family gatherings, to roommates borrowing your clothes and somehow never remembering to return them. Recognize these feelings because they’re more than just feelings, they are your personal alarms.
Once you have that list of things that make you feel drained, negative and has no value then it’s time to take that list and start determining what the boundary will look like.
And understand that the boundary could shift with time but we will get into that later!
Back on track- you have your list so next you are going to jot down next to each situation you wrote down what you could have said or done in advance to prevent the interaction. For example, maybe talking to your aunt with a private phone call before the holiday and telling her not to ask about your love life will be all you really need! Or it could be much more extreme unfortunately, and the boundary as a result of their behavior could be not attending family functions if certain relatives are there.
But after you have determined what areas need boundaries and what that looks like for you, comes the least fun part- actually passing along those boundaries so you can start enforcing them.
Step 3: Communicating Your Boundaries
Now that you know what areas of your life others are crossing the line in and the impact it is having on you… it’s time to communicate that to the world.
And no, that doesn’t mean ghosting your friends when they ask for the 27th favor this week. Instead, try saying, “I love helping you out, but I need to focus on my own stuff right now.” Be clear, be kind, and if needed, be ready to repeat yourself (because let’s be honest, some people need subtitles).
Of course, communicating these boundaries is going to be easier with some and harder with others. Some might take it as a kind bit of information from your perspective (remember we all think and view things differently) and will easily implement your boundary into your relationship. And remember, those who love us will want to make efforts to ensure you are BOTH happy and healthy in the relationship.
And by relationship I do mean any sort of relationship: family members, friendships, colleagues, roommates, etc. Boundaries can and should apply to basically every area of your life.
For those harder conversations I think it is best to really choose an intentional time and situation to present your clear boundaries to them. Ensure there is no one around that could make the situation worse, usually I recommend it just being one on one unless it is in a professional setting and Human Resources should be present!
Be gentle but firm when communicating your boundaries especially with those that caused you to draw the line and build the boundary.
An additional note on these conversations-
If you are going to discuss boundaries with others you have to be open to the two way conversation of it unless you are wanting a no-contact relationship. Of course this isn’t the case in situations of abuse, narcissism, etc. But if you want to improve these relationships because you value them but need your boundaries respected you have to be aware that you could also be causing discomfort or problems for others.
None of us are saints okay, and honestly when you set these boundaries and think about the situations it could easily show you areas that you could be a better partner, friend, sibling, parent, etc!
Step 4: Start With Smaller and Easier Boundaries
If the thought of setting boundaries makes you sweat more than a reformer pilates, then you gotta start small. Practice by not answering texts immediately or by telling your roommate that Tuesdays are your “me time” nights. These little wins will build your confidence and empower you to begin the process of setting and enforcing larger boundaries.
Though the frustration may be with the bigger problems may be bothering you more, but it is important to feel confident in yourself before going into those challenging and probably emotional conversations.
Step 5: Prepare for and Deal with the Backlash
Most people aren’t going to thank you or give you a gold sticker for setting boundaries. In fact, some might react like you’ve just told them you’re moving to Mars. Or worse, they may react with anger. Heated words could follow but stay firm and remember, if people get upset about you looking out for your own needs, then they don’t have your best interests in mind.
That isn’t to say that they don’t love you but hearing that their actions or words are hurting you can feel like an attack. And a lot of people will react to that by attacking back. So make sure if the person you are setting boundaries with has a tendency to get aggressive make sure you have a plan in place to leave the conversation if it is getting too heated. Those individuals may need to have boundaries set via a phone call instead.
It is also important to go into the conversations with self-awareness. Be aware of how the person you are communicating with perceives you and try to approach the conversation with a gentle but honest mindset. People reflect the energy that you give them!
Step 6: Review and Adjust as needed
Boundaries aren’t set in stone…unless your boundary is literally not moving stones (bad joke, I know but this is a tough subject so keep the energy up as we wrap this up!).
Check in with yourself regularly. What’s working? What feels like you’ve accidentally signed up for a marathon in heels? Adjust as needed and keep strutting forward.
Also, life changes! People change and circumstances change. And that means that your boundaries will need to be updated when things change.
Korra-Shay
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